Yvonne

…where i'm coming from...and what i've left behind!
Current mood: determined ;-)

I hope this will give some encouragement to someone, that may be in a situation or is coming out of one……similar to my past……there is hope for you too…and God does love you……no matter what you've done in da past.……jus let go an let God……Wellllllllll…

A while back you wouldn't really hear me talking about Jesus like i do now!!!!!……i was never Anti-Christ or anything like that…Praise God…but i wasn't representing him either……i was jus livin like most other confused girls…not really knowing what life was about an why i should stay away from certain thing's……an what for…

Generally i was a "Happy go lucky girl" i'm sure you've herd dat saying b4…but let me break it down as to what that meant about me…i didn't stand for much so i was falling for anything…anywhere Music an fun was u jus might catch me… no matter if it was quay off ends (far)…no cab fare to get home…me an my chicks wud find ourselves there…and home sumhow…Praise God…wasn't really praising him den obviously……i started "Ravin" at da tender age of 14, don't tell my Mams lol……under 18s an wat not Ben an Jerrys/Rompa Stompas/Imperial Gardens/all dayers watever i cud get into an expecially if it was freeeeee i was there……

Obviously my Mams didn't know how deep i was into Secular Music (Music that glorifies lust/Violence/negative thinking/rubbish an dis Crazy world of ours)…caus i woz Slllllyyyyy bwoy…stay at my Best frens house an wat not…she lived with her Grandad….so not dat much parental guidence around….he was laid bck……even one New Years i Lied an said me an my Best fren (way bck one) wer stranded at her Uncles house, so i cudn't get home for New Years….no one in my Family new where i was……neither of my older Sisters knew or my Younger Brother….das how sly i woz…….jus to go to sum Rave…deep i know….what if i didn't make it home from dat Rave!!!!!!!!….Jus 4 hype…i didn't even stay at my friends Uncle's house…we where chillin at hers all along……then we went out……

I was never a smoker or hard core drinker, but it was always a thing where every party i went to or Rave… there was always someone offering me sum……an me with my long hand and red eye would take it……not even sure if it was weed or sum stronger stuff….weed is Bad enuf anyway….i've bucked up with alot of Paronoid crazy folk within dat industry……stay away from weed/drugs please……Nothing of God is bad for you……

Some people may hav seen the other Bubbly side of me by know, but some haven't…….add dat plus being intoxicated with Drink an sometimes other peoples weed wat do you get……a concoction of Hype/Crazyness/uncontrollable laughin/bare foolishness……Dangerous……obviously my friends loved me being like dat……i was unsaved not a (Born again Christian)……day thought i was a joker……yea a joker who had bought herself a first class ticket to hell…till Jesus came and ripped it up Amen…i'm in the Lambs Book of the Living now…and i'm staying there!!!!!! …but know i know better……an sum of them do to……by Gods Grace many more will step out of the Dark an into the light (Jesus' light)

I got caught up with that Linkage business also….shud i stop now….nah ima keep on goin…might as well tell it all…….personally i always was on being the Wife, and having a partner that wasn't on sharing himself or me……but if you don't really know wat ur worth or value urself enough…….u will compromise………so that's what i did……thinkin givin it up would get me the Love that i was longing for……not knowing Jesus had that 4 me already plus more…….(My youth Pastor, Pastor Alton) preached a message a while bck……Women/Ladies/girls give Sex for love….and Men/Guys/Boys ……give Love (talk love) not action love……to get Sex………. it was confirmation an true stories 4 me….i praise God 4 his life………but obviously most unsaved guys wanna hav their cake an eat it……have the Wife an the Mistress…yes i was a Mistress on a few occassions….slippin i know…but hey there's no Condemnation in Christ as God word says…Romans 8….God hasn't made me feel condemned because of my Past so who can? remember dat!!!!!! Phew……but i always got too emotional about things, U can't really get all emotional wen ur not the Wife….so i wud get stressed cry…not eat…wait at hme…bare foolishness…no stalking though…lol……i've never been obsessive……i found it too easy to lock people off sumtimz…erase a number den regret it…u know wat i'm talkin about…….that's not a good look…."you have to forgive to be forgiven"…as the Bible says….street/road guys will only take what you give them…….there's no point puttin the blame all on them….if your not available to be used you won't be….an trust me that era has ended in my life……we've all got to learn from our mistakes and stop blaming others for the part they played in our life…U are your worst enemy most times……so know urself…check what sort of person your portraying urself to be……to be constantly attracting the wrong sort of people into your life……If u hear God knockin on ur door (Heart) open up……there's no time like the present……

But yeah Secular Music had me sprung bwoy…Jodeci/R Kelly, Genuine/Usher/Jahiem/H-Town…Bare other names the list goes on and on and on and on and on!!!!!…….i wud be listening on ma way to school….during school…after school…at home…i was takin it all in….and it was working through me toooo….i wasn't in control of my actions……i wud hear a slow jam tune an wanna call the person i woz with up……or sumfin……or be in the club….i even ventured into Brixton Mass…a Church!!!!! u nah…whinning on the stage…sandwiched an wat not…geeeeese….i'm bein so real my fingers can't stop…….that's as far as it went in the clubs doe…but dat was bad enouugh….Bixton Mass was in a Church……Gods Holy Temple…i woz part of the congregation who wer defiling it………WOW……Gods mercy is great!!……he cud have caused the Temple to collapse on all our heads…….an i wud hav died a Heathen….ask urself dis……is dat how U wanna die???……is dat the person U wanna be remerberd as……not a gud luk!!!!!!!!!…. i woz slippin……leaving Brixton bout 6am…… 2 up…(me an one chic sometimz)……not even in a secure group……das how much we wer cats 4 Brixton Mass freeness………my fren went one way i went another…in skimpy outfits….BRIXTON u nah……only God knows why i'm still here……an i'll be 4eva greatful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was very wild……any free Rave i was there West End/Old Kent/Brixton/Lewisham/Catford everywhere!!!!!!!! Especially my Birthdays bwoy….i wud be out at least three times in dat week in different clubs….

But one Birthday i went to a bar that had a kind of open mic nite……my friend new the guy hosting the night, so it was a freeness standard……i was there got talkin to some guy……he took my number….i thought i woz heavy cau gettin churpsd on my Birthday woz a must (back den anywayz) i'm over that now……we made arrangements to meet up……i was 'going with the flow' as usual……gazin……planned to meet up……when we did meet it woz in Brixton……no didn't take me to his house……we met on road side literally….there's me finkin he's taking me to eat sutten……Nope……guess where he wanted to take me 122 Brixton Hill….(Church, Ruach Ministries,)…come and check it out…Brrraaaappppp…obviously dat wasn't what i woz sayin den…he had to spend a gud 30 minutes in the Rain trying to convince me…an he did……we got there know……i woz goin on all stoush hands folded an wat not….but The Choir really melted my Heart with the songs they sang!!!!!!!!!!….so i've been going since……yeah i slipped up cuple tymz……i'm being real….but i never really turned away fully…….my past was trying to call me bck…

Now i'm savin it all 4 ma Husband……what's IT you ask?…The Emotions/Whinning (Dancing) etc……that's why certain times you won't see me dancing when there's a social an wat not…and i'm not generally that emotional these days…so so conscious of my Spirit/Flesh/Soul…and i liek to let my Spirit lead me….and not let my Soul/Emotions lead me…trust me there is a difference……but i'm not gonna let my past hurts and let downs turn my heart all cold…i'm still willing to lend a shoudler to cry on…and give a hug from time to time…but i've done enough skankin/shockin (dancin) for a life time….but sometimes i do…(Moderation is the key word)….it's time for me to get serious……more commitment less fun is fine for me…….don't get it twisted i still get jokes…life is great now!!!!!!!!!……it's good to build on your self-control……get to know yourself….what you should stay away from……and know your limits….and definitely set boundaries……before you get into certain situations….i had to learn the hard way……i truly hope u don't!